My Platform Crocs Demand Attention so I Don’t Have To

Over the last few years, ugly fashion has had me in a serious chokehold. There is something about dressing like a weather-confused, colorblind grandfather that gives me butterflies. While I could blame my desire to be perceived (in any way) by strangers for the fugly state of affairs, I blame my platform Crocs. They were the first shoe to drop, a padded step toward the ominous kitschification of my closet.

Platform Crocs merges Tumblr’s 2011 nu-goth, “creeper” shoes with an all-American “I don’t know what the fuck fashion is” vibe. The effect is overwhelming but also somehow effortless; something created by an AI art bot or a robot dreaming of electric shepherds. I wanted them from the moment I saw them, but they didn’t come in men’s sizes. I’m a size 11, which is a 12 and a half in women’s sizes. I was too big for the maxxed out (and elusive) women’s size 10. 

I stalked the Crocs website frequently. I manifested and, when that failed, I sent emails to Crocs’ public relations team telling them to let me know if they ever expanded their women’s sizes. I did everything I could think to get a pair on my feet to take me from 6’ to 6’3”. You know, so I could be closer to God and some weird image of myself as a looming specter of late capitalist nihilism.

In early 2022, Crocs officially launched men’s platform Crocs. It was out of the blue, but I asked zero questions. I bought my pair immediately.

Deemed “Mega Crush,” the platform style is now on offer for classic clogs, sandals and even rain boots. It’s got a bit of the ‘90s New Balance dad shoe vibe that has made Aime Leon Dore approximately as liquid as Scrooge McDuck, but also a tire tread experimental art quality that feels aggressive. If someone made an animation of these shoes – and they will – the shoes would scream.  

Also, Crocs went full camp. They know their audience and it’s rave twinks in Bushwick. Colors in men’s colors range from black to hot pink to camo to lilac. Styles? They include fur-lined, boots and sandals. They went above and beyond anything I could have imagined. They made me feel seen.

Prior to stepping into these, I assumed the platform might not be as easy to walk in without twisting an ankle. Typically, Crocs are a sure bet on size with a comfort-first journey thanks to the brand’s proprietary closed-cell resin material. But I haven’t turned an ankle, only heads. I wear them with baggy ripped jeans and sometimes with puppy dog tees from Guilty. For a more formal look, they can be paired with a suit, but at that point, it starts giving a bit of Pennywise. 

Platform Crocs are not for everybody. The average Crocs Clogs wearer should probably save their money for weed gummies. These are made specifically for the person who craves attention and questions. You have to be ready to provide answers even if those answers make no sense.