I have seen some heinous footwear in my days. But nothing has made my skin crawl just as much as the brand-new STAPLE x Crocs collaboration that just launched today, April 12. Designed to look like a New York City sidewalk, these limited-edition Crocs are only available through a lottery at the Crocs website.
As someone that’s been shit on by way too many birds, has had numerous rats inside of his Brooklyn apartment and suffered through a full-throttle great New York City flood ceiling collapse last summer, these filthy-looking, pigeon-centric Crocs are making my blood boil. I want a pair just so I can burn them.
Look at these abominations:
I’m what you call a whore for Crocs. I rock my Crocs day and night. So much so, that I got in trouble once for wearing my favorite Crocs in the office too many times. If you had asked me yesterday, Crocs could do no wrong. If you asked me today, Crocs has taken it too far this time.
I’m all for kooky, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not for batshit crazy. And this is batshit crazy.
The aptly named Sidewalk Luxe Classic Clogs visualize the true, unironic nature of New York City street life in the dirtiest way I could have ever imagined. The Crocs themselves mimic the dirty facade of 5th Avenue in all its post-parade glory, still slightly discolored from winter salt and caked with drunken vomit. Because that’s not bad enough, STAPLE and Crocs designed a massive, red pigeon foot Jibbit charm clad directly on top. I’m familiar with STAPLE and know that for whatever fucking reason, pigeons are their thing, but this? It isn’t the tea.
In addition to the enlarged pigeon foot, additional Jibbitz include rats, roaches, sidewalk gum and more. Because, clearly, the pigeon foot simply wasn’t enough. To be fair, the rat charm is kind of cute, but we’re begging you not to wear the cockroach charm.
Crocs, I love you, but you are on thin ice right now. Say you’re sorry.
And for those of you out there crazy enough to purchase these, you can order them for the next 24-hours at $70 a pop — but that doesn’t mean they’re officially yours. Because the collection is so small, folks will be chosen at random to win their pair for the price they paid. Others will be refunded. And, if you are, just consider yourself lucky.