The world of chess has gotten a little spicy in the past couple of weeks.
How has the world’s nerdiest game become a source of raunchy memes and international intrigue? And what do anal beads have to do with all of this?
If you aren’t already familiar with the drama going on in the world of chess, then strap in, because it’s a wild ride involving Bluetooth anal sex toys, accusations of cheating, and an angry chess grandmaster.
As experts on the world of futuristic sex toys, and Bluetooth sex toys in particular, we wanted to break down the controversy for SPY readers. And while we don’t endorse cheating of any kind, we couldn’t resist sharing our top recommendations for the best anal sex toys one could use to cheat at international chess tournaments, if one was so inclined.
Breaking Down the Chess Grandmaster Anal Cheating Conspiracy Theory
Magnus Carlsen is a Norwegian chess grandmaster and the greatest chess player in the world. Recently, he accused 19-year-old up-and-comer Hans Niemann of cheating after a widely discussed loss to the teenager earlier this month. The disputed match took place in September at the Sinquefield Cup in St. Louis, Missouri, a chess tournament with a $500,000 prize.
After losing to Niemann, Carlsen withdrew from the tournament, and rumors began to spread that Carlsen suspected his opponent of cheating. While he was initially circumspect about the scandal, he eventually broke his silence. In Carlsen’s mind, Niemann is a cheater.
In a statement posted on Twitter, Carlesen said, “I believe that Niemann has cheated more — and more recently — than he has publicly admitted. His over the board progress has been unusual, and throughout our game in the Sinquefield Cup I had the impression that he wasn’t tense or even fully concentrating on the game in critical positions, while outplaying me as black in a way I think only a handful of players can do.”
My statement regarding the last few weeks. pic.twitter.com/KY34DbcjLo
— Magnus Carlsen (@MagnusCarlsen) September 26, 2022
We should note that no hard evidence has been presented that Niemann cheated in his match against Carlsen. However, as The New York Times reported, Niemann has acknowledged “[violating] rules of fair play in online tournaments on Chess.com at least twice in the past.” However, Carlsen is now accusing Niemann of cheating “over the board”, meaning cheating in real-time during a live chess match.
But how exactly could Niemann be cheating during a chess tournament filled with press, fellow competitors and spectators? A bizarre conspiracy theory has taken hold in the world of chess, and according to this theory, Niemann has been cheating, well, anally. Yes, you read that right. Anally. Time to break out the anal lube along with your chess sets.
Carlsen hasn’t endorsed this “anal beads” theory, but the internet certainly has. (As experts on sex toys, we feel compelled to note that the references to anal beads in this controversy are misguided; technically, you would need to use a vibrating prostate massager to cheat in a chess tournament, not anal beads.)
In order to cheat during a chess match, a player would need to receive instructions via a third party. Because obvious tools like earbuds would be easily detected, some people are speculating that Niemann is using some type of Bluetooth anal sex toy to receive coded messages from a coach or conspirator. With an anal toy like a vibrating prostate massager discreetly inserted in your rectum, you could, in theory, receive simple coded communications about your or your opponent’s gameplay. Using such a device, a cheater could communicate via morse code or a simple yes/no code.
Niemann denies any and all accusations of cheating. Regardless, the teen hasn’t been able to avoid the controversy, and he’s even volunteered that he’s willing to play a match naked to prove he isn’t playing dirty.
While the world of chess has been thrown into chaos, we can’t deny that it’s also absolutely hilarious. And the meme makers of the world are certainly enjoying the scandal.
Me explaining the Anal Bead Chess Cheating controversy to my wife pic.twitter.com/5qhCUoqc9m
— Vèrîfīēd 🚹 (@flavortwnmarket) September 27, 2022
If the idea of defeating the world’s greatest chess grandmaster with a vibrating anal toy seems far-fetched, then read on. We’ve gathered the best anal sex toys you could theoretically use to cheat at chess.
1. LELO Hugo
We’ve included the LELO Hugo in a number of best sex toy articles here at SPY because it’s a prostate toy that’s made well and fun to use. This remote-controlled toy comes with eight different settings and uses two powerful motors at the base and the tip so you can get all of the information you need in eight different secret codes from your spy in the stands. More and more sex toys for men are helping men stimulate their “p spot”, and the Hugo is one of the best.
2. We-Vibe Vector App and Remote Controlled Rechargeable Prostate Massager
Here’s another extremely popular one. Meet the We-Vibe, the in-app controlled prostate massager that comes with 10 different settings for 10 different ways to cheat in chess anally. We still can’t believe we’re saying that. Because you can use this one in an app, you can realistically be on the other side of the world and control this puppy. Like, your third party doesn’t even have to be in the same room the match is happening. Talk about sneaky.
3. Desire Luxury Rechargeable Remote Control Prostate Massager
If your third party is going no further than 25-ish feet away, consider this option. This 8-mode, 12-speed remote-controlled prostate massager has tons of tricks up its sleeve (or, well, your butt) for winning every game of chess you’ll ever play. While this option is most suitable for players with anal experience, you might need to consider something else if this is your first rodeo.
4. Hueman Black Hole Galactic Silicone Remote Control Cock Ring Butt Plug
Looking for something with even more pleasure? Check out this remote-control butt plug built with a cock ring attached. Because not everything is about winning, is it? While this only has four speeds and six patterns in total, we’re sure you can get a couple of neat moves out of this one. You just might not win the game.
5. Tryst V2 Bendable Silicone Massage Ring with Remote Control
This isn’t just an anal sex toy, it’s more of, like, an everything sex toy. With ten different functions and three quiet vibration levels, this toy is made for numerous ways of wearing by bending around the penis, pressing near the taint or placing in and around your rectal region. Have fun in more ways than one this time around!