While most guys have probably dealt with how to get rid of a boner during their younger years, dealing with the opposite of the problem can be stressful when it pops up in your adult life. Nothing kills the mood or your confidence like dealing with sexual performance anxiety. The good news is, in most cases, this issue is psychological and dealing with it is manageable. Whether the issue is an inability to get erect or difficulty orgasming, performance anxiety is something that both men and women all over the world have dealt with. We’ve all felt that pressure to perform, and getting in your head can get in the way of pleasure, unfortunately.
- Sexual performance anxiety can manifest in several ways, such as:
- Premature ejaculation
- Difficulty maintaining/getting an erection
- Disinterest in sex
- Low self-confidence
- Inability to orgasm
As a woman, I’ve dealt with anorgasmia (the inability to orgasm) with a partner for much of my sexually active life, and one thing that I’ve learned is that patience is essential. By this, I mean that it’s important not just for your partner to be patient with you, but to be patient with yourself! Be kind and try to keep the negative self-talk to a minimum, reminding yourself that almost everyone goes through this in their lifetime at some point.
Right now, we’re living in an incredibly stressful time from global unrest to inflation and rising rent costs, it’s natural to have your mind wander, even during what’s usually some great sex. There’s actually a word for it: spectatoring is the act of allowing doubts and distractions to interfere during sex, preventing you from being fully present in the moment.
When my husband and I were gut renovating our home last year and essentially living in a constant construction zone, our sex lives suffered immensely. After all, whether it’s caused by relationship tension, burnout from work, or all the things going wrong on the planet, stress can take up a lot of real estate in your mind — especially when you try to avoid it. For some people, mental health struggles like trauma, anxiety and depression can also impact arousal or contribute to performance anxiety. For others, a feeling of sexual inadequacy or fear of not being able to please your partner can dominate.
Regardless of the root, these issues can turn into a self-perpetuating cycle, allowing worry and self-consciousness to dominate.
Ways to Deal With Sexual Performance Anxiety
1. Talk it out
When these thoughts become unavoidable, the first thing to do is master communication between you and your partner. After all, finding a solution together is a lot less scary. Have an honest conversation in a safe space with someone that you trust. Not only will this help you get closer, but you may be surprised by how reassuring and caring your partner is when they respond. Getting that weight off your chest alone might even be enough to get that libido revved up again.
It may also be helpful to talk to a professional like a sex therapist, especially if your performance anxiety is stemming from intrusive thoughts, your upbringing or past trauma. Then a trained and licensed professional can help you navigate the issues and triggers that you’re struggling with. A technique called Sensate Focus is common for SPA and involves a series of touching experiences to help you reconnect to your body.
If in-person therapy sounds intimidating, there are plenty of online options that allow you to go at your own speed and help people feel more at ease than a face-to-face session. Do your research and consider ED courses – along with sites like Mojo.
2. Don’t be so tough on yourself
Being patient with yourself is the most important part of this process. Sexpert Natasha Marie Narkiewicz has some additional tips on how to deal with this frustrating issue.
“Societally, we put so much emphasis on sexual performance that it can cultivate competition within ourselves to be the ‘best’. That’s a massive fallacy. There is no award for ‘best’ performance, but beyond that, sex is not a performance, it’s an experience, and it’s an experience that changes and evolves each and every time. People aren’t machines that can press a ‘turbo’ button that optimizes their bodies and minds. There are many elements that affect our expression and experience and it’s important to be compassionate if we fall short of our own expectations. Chances are you’re a much harsher critic of yourself than your partner is.”
Narkiewicz’s advice reminds me of my own journey – after spending so much time fixated on orgasming as the end goal of sex (and experimenting with some of the best couples’ vibrators out there) I realized that feeling pleasure is more important than racing towards an orgasm and measuring how “successful” a sexual experience was. Once I gave myself that mental permission and shed those expectations. the Big O came more easily. It’s for this reason that Narkiewicz also encourages people to cultivate intimacy in other ways:
“Sex (specifically penetrative sex) isn’t the only way to cultivate intimacy. Activities like erotic massage or sharing a steamy shower together can alleviate the pressure and expectations attached to sex. Not only are these activities great for increasing overall intimacy and trust, but they can serve as a reminder that you are safe with your partner and that realization alone can ease the mind.”
3. Incorporate sex toys
Sex toys can also help move that emphasis from performance back to pleasure and sensation. they’re the epitome of “adult play” and can help remind us that sex can be fun, and encourage discovery while distracting you from intrusive thoughts. From the best sex toys for couples to Fleshlights and masturbation sleeves, there are tons of options for all genders and sexualities to explore with. Masturbating on your own might also help if you’re struggling with sexual performance anxiety or an inability to orgasm – consider switching up your technique and investing in some high-quality lube and a heated butt plug.
Still, Dr. Evan Goldstein, an anal surgeon and sexual health expert shares some addition info for gay couples and folks experimenting with butt plugs, “If you are prostate-bearing, anal penetration may not be pleasurable or might limit your erection. It can also be overbearing, which ends up preventing you from having a full orgasm. Anal Botox can be a game changer for the anal community, as it helps relax the region for better bottoming, improving anal pain during sex. “
If booty botox doesn’t sound up your alley, there are tons of masturbation sleeves and Fleshlight-style toys for you to experiment with. Toys aren’t a one-size-fits-all solution – experiment with all kinds and see what turns you on the most.
4. Consider your porn consumption
Consuming porn more consciously or reducing the amount that you watch may also have a positive effect. Porn can depict some pretty unrealistic situations. While we’re not saying you should cut off porn entirely, you may want to consider switching to ethical porn where the filmed parties are experiencing authentic and realistic pleasure – many sites, lke Ersties, even cater to amateur couples content, making it easy to find some spicy content to watch with bae. If you solely rely on porn to get aroused, you may want to consider reducing the amount that you watch it.
Beyond porn, conscious usage of social media can also help mitigate insecurities. Unfollow accounts that perpetuate unrealistic body standards or make you feel inadequate.
5. Get into kink
Beyond toys and conscious porn consumption, kink is also an unexpected avenue for many people suffering from sexual performance anxiety. Dr Tiffany K, board-certified sexologist and host of The Submissive Next Door podcast shares,“ If kink or BDSM is of interest, this can be a fabulous way to create a multi-sensory pleasure experience for you and your partner that is not centered on penetration or orgasm. In some cases, edging and orgasm denial are part of an erotic scene. The naughtiness comes from being told you are not to orgasm during that scene, which often takes the pressure off the need to orgasm and allows you to fully experience the pleasure, focusing entirely on the sensations.
6. Find a workout that you love
For both my partner and I, regularly working out has helped boost libido – you don’t need to run a marathon or go to CrossFit every day, but finding some sort of movement that gets your heart rate up and releases endorphins can really help. Research shows that exercise breeds tons of benefits, including positive sexual performance. It can also help boost body image, consequently reducing stress levels while improving self-esteem.
When it’s not dealt with, sexual performance anxiety can potentially cause chronic ED. Rather than brushing this hard-to-discuss topic under the rug, face it head-on – as someone who did the same, I can say that it helped me understand my body better, shed preconceived notions and get closer to my partner. Still, keep in mind that it’s a journey, not a race. While you’re figuring things out, here are some products that might help improve symptoms.
Solutions to Help Deal With Performance Anxiety
Blindfold
Finding yourself too focused on the visual in a bad way? Remove the pressure and focus on sensation with the help of a blindfold, which is one of the most approachable bedroom accessories for couples and also a light intro to kink. Whether you feel more comfortable being blindfolded or putting it on your partner to avoid feeling pressure about body image, this can be a sexy sensory way to reduce sexual performance anxiety.
Prostate/Anal Toys
Looking to incorporate toys? Consider the Tilt Dual Vibration Warming Plug, which heats up to get you more comfortable and can be used in a variety of ways. With two independently controlled motors, this wearable toy can stimulate the P-spot and perineum. If what you’re focused on is a female partner’s pleasure, it can simultaneously stimulate the G-spot and clit as well. Explore with this toy and forget bout the expectations.
Masturbation Sleeves
An underrated toy when it comes to foreplay and solo play, there are tons of masturbation sleeves. Although there are plenty of fancy, high-tech sleeves with plenty of bells and whistles like this crowd-pleasing Fleshlight, if you’re just starting out, Tenga has more affordable toys that are readily available online. This super stretchy masturbator comes in a quirky egg shape with a hair-raising inner texture – this toy even includes a pack of lube so you can have fun as soon as it arrives.
Rugiet Ready Sublingual E.D Treatment
Although we’re not recommending medication as the first route to dealing with sexual performance anxiety, if you do find that you’ve been experiencing chronic ED, there is a new and unique sublingual option on the market that bypasses your digestive tract and directly enters the bloodstream. It’s a lot more high-tech than horny goat weed. Chief Medical Officer of Rugiet Health, Dr. Vipul Khanpara, expands, “Pharmaceutical therapy can be a good option to increase your self-confidence and sexual confidence, but it doesn’t have to be a permanent part of your life. Sometimes, you just need to show yourself that you can do it a couple of times, then take that feeling with you.”
With a unique combination of ingredients and a full digital health clinic online, you can get a medical consultation to figure out if this low-dose solution is right for you. Still, be sure to consult your own doctor beforehand.