Warning: This article is very NSFW. Please read with that knowledge.
I’ve always been confused about the concept of flavored lube. Why? Because I can’t think of any demographic of person that, like, needs to use it. Straight, gay, cis, trans, bi, non-binary — whoever you are. However, you get down; when do you really use flavored lube? To suck some dick? When eating some pussy? You don’t really use lube for either of those acts, so what’s the point?
But just because I don’t understand something doesn’t mean I’m not curious about it. To keep it frank: the best lube is hot. As someone who particularly only partakes in anal sex (ya, I’m gay), lube is a necessity. It’s needed to complete the deed. That said, I’m a fan.
So, when I discovered my favorite lube brand #LubeLife released a line of cocktail flavored lubes, I decided it was finally time to see what all of the hubbub was about. Maybe it was time I incorporated flavored lube into my sexual endeavors. So, how was I going to decide whether or not I was a fan? Well…
I decided I was going to drink some.
Taste testing lube doesn’t occur every Thursday, but it did occur this past Thursday when I was bored and slightly h-word in my living room. I had deleted Grindr because it was making me depressed, and my recent fuck buddy moved to Berlin, so I had nowhere to test said lube aside from the bottle. I figured, hey, this is the perfect time to figure out whether or not I enjoy flavored lube — fully alone. Because who wants to rub down a dick in pineapple lube just to realize when bobbing that you hate the taste? Talk about awkward.
#LubeLife released four classic cocktail flavors in this drop to spice up sexy time. The flavors in question are Sex on the Beach, Mai Tai, Piña Colada, and Mojito. Now, to make a long fuckin’ story short, here is each flavor ranked worst to best.
4. Mai Tai
Don’t get me wrong; I am a slut for a mai tai. I always have been. But this flavor tasted a lot like what I feared flavored lube would taste like. Slippery, slutty poison. And I was right. This flavor did not hit in any way, shape, or form. It truly tasted like liquor, and I’m not sure if that was the point because the others didn’t. Ultimately, if you can imagine yourself sipping a vicious, sloppy, 80% alcoholic drink in collaboration with Lisa Frank, that is what this flavor tasted like. Not a slay.
3. Mojito
Upon opening, the mojito flavor smelled exactly what I thought it would smell like: lime. I feel like it’s really hard to fuck up lime. But #LubeLife fucked up lime. I’m sorry. While it wasn’t the worst, it was still rancid. Something that I’m sure would make my IBS act up. Something that definitely played with the acids in my stomach in a bad way. Something that made me dream about my lunch coming back up if it were placed upon a penis I had to suck. Thank Christ, I didn’t.
2. Sex on the Beach
Here’s the girl that made things slightly better for me. She had a very tropical taste I could really get behind and felt correct inside of flavored lube. It wasn’t giving me as much fear as the two prior did, but it wasn’t my favorite taste on the planet, either. For me, it was like my fourth favorite Skittles flavor. Like, I’ll eat it, but there are three more I would rather be eating. This one kind of reminded me of the mango JUUL pod back before they were banned, and the world went to shit after. Would sip again, 6.7/10.
1. Piña Colada
To bring on the dramatics, this flavor sold me on flavored lube. I will be using flavored lube in the future, and it will be because of the piña colada flavor. I’m always skeptical when it comes to coconut because I feel like too much will make me feel slightly nauseous. Whoever the fuck was mixing this flavor up in the labs needs a raise because this taste was heavenly. I went back for seconds. Thirds. I want to pour it into my Dunkin’ cold brew daily. This is the flavored lube for the people.