Let’s cut to the chase here. You’re probably going to be horny this Valentine’s Day, yeah? Yeah. They say Valentine’s Day chocolate is an aphrodisiac, so that and a few glasses of red at dinner are sure to have you and your partner dropping your pants the second you get back home. So, what better way to say “I love you” than with funny Valentine’s cards that don’t hide in shame? We’re leaving it all out in the open. We’re talking Valentine’s Day card ideas that don’t even slightly shy away from sex.
That’s not to say we shouldn’t take our relationship seriously, but there’s nothing wrong with having some fun. Long-term relationships, short-term situationships, your fuck buddy upstairs in unit 304 that you don’t necessarily give a shit about — if you and your partner stem from the same tree of humor, then 2023 is the year you’re breaking the norm. Funny Valentine’s cards with bluntly direct iterations are the way to do it.
Save the sentimentality for this year’s best Valentine’s Day gift, keep them cumming coming with a funny Valentine’s card they’ll giggle at for generations. Because nothing’s better than a good laugh. And, well, sex.
We’re all set on sappy hearts and flowers for Valentine’s Day; it’s time to make your partner laugh. Followed by, of course, making them O. That’s the total package.
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Find 17 funny Valentine’s cards that aren’t for the faint of heart below for some true comedy your partner wasn’t expecting this V-Day.
Get Your Dick Ready Card
This is one that will surely have you running for your best lube.
I’m No Plumber Card
If this one doesn’t make you both want to get your pants off, we’re unsure what will.
Out Of All the Sperm in the Sea Card
Save the whales, ride a dick. <3
You Make Me Cum Card
Lucky for you, you can order this one in bulk quantities of up to 1,000, too. You know, for every person you’ve matched with on Tinder this year.
I Like You How I Like My Coffee Card
We thought this was going one way, but we’re relieved it went another.
Scissor Me Card
For all you iconic lesbian ladies out there, here’s a killer card that gets right to the point. You don’t even have to write anything on the inside.
Cum In My Ass Card
Don’t worry; we weren’t forgetting about you gay men out there. Get it on, kings.
You Make Me Super Moist Card
Betty Crocker really came in clutch with this one.
Roses Are Red Card
Whoever said true love is dead was fucking lying.
You Put a Smile on My Face Card
Hopefully, the tsunami in question won’t cause any catastrophic occurrences.
Cat Loves Rooster Card
Ah, yes. A true tale as old as time.
Kiss Me… Card
Aw, this one is actually romantic. Or, wait…
I Wanna Be Wined, and Dined… Card
Even Kevin is in on the horny antics.
Threesome??? Card
So???
Cum Slut Card
If you aspire to be, then you shall be, you human Toaster Strudel, you.
He’s Into Rubber Card
Because there’s gotta be at least one kinky couple reading this.
F Me Daddy Card
Welp, that’ll do it!